


Can You Hear Me?

by sugaismybias



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Marauders Era - Fandom, azkaban - Fandom
Genre: Anathema, Azkaban, Best Friends, Bromance, Crying, Friendship, Get ready to cry, Heaven, I love that song, James Potter - Freeform, Sad, Sirius in Azkaban, bestfriends, follow me on wattpad, friends - Freeform, i forgot I added anathema, idfk what tags to do so I’m gonna go random kk, im actually listening to it rn, james potter talking to sirius, jily, my Wattpad is ‘gaysugar’, okay I’m posting this wma, okie dokie let’s get into this, shameless advertisement, sirius black - Freeform, wml I mean, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 06:42:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12835488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugaismybias/pseuds/sugaismybias
Summary: Sirius talks to James in Azkaban.





	Can You Hear Me?

First Year •

‘James, are you there? Can you hear me? Of course you bloody can't. You're dead.’ Sirius said to himself mentally. 

A tear struck his eye as the word dead repeated over and over again in his mind, like a broken record. 

‘It was so weird to see you just lay there, your eyes were in the back of your head. I couldn't see them. But I saw Lily's. They were still bright, with fear. Can you hear me? Give me a signal if you can hear me, please, James.’

He couldn't cry. Not now. The dementors would torture him again. Torture an. Innocent. Man. 

‘James, I miss you, brother. You don't understand the pain. Every full moon, I swear I hear Moony, but I think I'm just going insane. I've been in here for nearly a year, and you haven't given me one signal yet, Prongs. Not one.’

He wiped at his eye angrily as a dementor passed his cell. Their faces were dead, and it reminded him of James and Lily that little bit more. 

‘I tried my best to not be like my family. I'm sorry I suggested that you change secret keeper. I'm sorry I was 5 minutes late to our meetup, and Voldemort was 5 minutes early. If you can hear me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I want to see your face again. If I close my eyes, will I see you? Are you in heaven? Is it fun? I'll join you one day, I swear on it. We're together until the very end, James. We're in this together.’

He hadn't realised that he said the last 2 sentences out loud. He barely noted the fact that the dementors screamed a weird, throaty noise through his cell, that somehow made him lose his voice. 

‘I loved you like you were my own brother, James. You have to come back, you have to save me. Please.’

Second Year •

‘James, it's been 2 years. I feel like I've gone back to my anorexic phase again, apart from this time, I don't want control. I just want to be free. I want Pettigrew to feel the pain that I feel. I miss you, James. I miss Lily too, surprisingly. I'm sorry that I can't take care of your son. Harry.’

Sirius felt a fresh wave of emotion overwhelm him. That was the first night since last year that he cried. Only a small tear, that didn't leave his eye. But he did. 

‘I'm sorry I let you die. Can you hear me? Please answer me.’

Third Year •

‘James, I miss you. I miss Lily. I feel sick. Harry's four now, isn't he? I hope you've been watching over him. I hope he's with Remus, having a great time. I hope Remus isn't sad. James, only you knew this. I never had a chance to tell Remus how much I loved him, and I know he hates me. He never knew of our little switch, did he? That fucking rat!’

Sirius gripped his overgrown, matted hair. He screamed, it hurt his throat, but he screamed. He kicked the wall. He cried. He punched the wall. He flopped onto the floor and had a tantrum. How dare they put an innocent man in Azkaban?!

"Black! Silence!" An auror yelled, but Sirius didn't hear him. 

He eventually calmed down on his own. 

‘I hope you're happy up there James. I'm so glad you finally got what you wanted, Lily. A baby. I'm sorry that was all taken away from you because of me. I blame myself for your death. I hate myself for it! I looked back at the scars lining my wrist and forearm, James. I wish I could re-inflict them on myself. Just to feel the pain. The pain I deserve because technically I killed you. I killed my own brother. I deserve it.’

Fourth Year •

‘James, please forgive me. Please talk to me. Are you mad, is that why you're not responding to my pleas? I want to see you again? Should I die? Everyone wants me to. But if I die, I'll go to hell. I wouldn't see you. I'd go to hell because it's my fault you're dead.’

Sirius looked around. The dark circles around his eyes made them heavy, but he was wide awake. He felt his eyes burning, and realised that everything was going blurry. 

‘I'm crying again. I've never cried this much in my whole life, have I? When I saw you and Lily's dead bodies. The tears were endless. I miss you, James. Can you hear me?’

Sirius wondered how many times he had asked that question, but he said it again for good measure. 

‘Can you hear me?’

Fifth Year •

‘Good Merlin, James. Harry's six this year! I wonder if Remus got him a present or something. Maybe a broom. He would love that. I have a feeling that he'll be like you and ace Quidditch, mate.’

Sirius hugged his knees to his chest and rested his head on them, letting a silent tear slip down his nose, other cheek, and land on his knee. 

‘I can't believe I'm talking to you as if you're really here. I am going crazy, huh? James, I really need an answer before I die, will you please answer it?

Can you hear me?’

Sixth Year •

‘It's the full moon, James. I'm worried. This is the 72nd time I haven't been with Remus for a full moon. I can't even transform into Padfoot anymore. My bones are too... broken.’

He stroked his arm, and looked at the tattoo on his wrist. It was just a black line all over his wrist, actually, like a wristband. It symbolised a rubber band, the technique he had used to get over self-harming. 

‘James, I feel so fucking empty without you. You were my other half. You saved me from my family. My suicidal self. You saved me. What did I do? I killed you. Can you hear me?’

Seventh Year •

‘I can't remember any happy times we've had together, mate. They're all replaced with the last time I saw you. I couldn't even go to your fucking funeral. We promised that we would be brothers until the very end. I fucking hate my life, James. You made it better. I loved you, James. Bromance over Romance any day, right?’

He chuckled to himself. He had told James that when Lily and he had had and argument. 

‘Please give me a signal. Can you hear me? I just need to know that I'm not talking to myself.’

Eighth Year • 

‘Fuck, James. Eight years since you died. Eight years I've felt endless pain. But it would most definitely be worse for Remus. He thought all of his best friends died, except for the one that betrayed them all. But I didn't. I didn't mean to. I thought Pettigrew would be different. But Remus has Harry. I have nobody.’

Those words repeated through his mind. He had felt that for the first 11 years of his life. He had felt that during the 'prank'. Those were the worst moments of his life up until 1981. How Sirius hated those numbers. That year. Fuck. 

‘Can you hear me, James? I feel so alone, I just want to know, please! Please!’

Ninth Year •

‘Nine. Fucking. Painful. Lingering. Years. Without you. Without my brother. Without my friends. Without anybody. Please come back James. I bet you don't know what it's like to lose everyone in your life, huh?’

Sirius desperately gripped his tattoo of a rubber band, wishing that it was real so he could snap it on his skin. 

‘I fucking miss you. I fucking miss you. I want you back. It's not the fucking same without hearing your fucking beautiful laugh everyday. I wanna hear it again. Can you hear me?’

Tenth Year •

‘Harry's off to Hogwarts! I hope he sees you in the stars, or sees you in a mirror of something. I bet he has your handsome looks, those fucking gay glasses that I'd grown to love. I miss seeing them everyday James. I miss seeing you everyday. And fucking hell I'm crying again.’

Sirius didn't even bother to wipe his eyes this time. 

‘James, can you hear me?’

Eleventh Year •

‘I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark and I,  
Don't know where I should go and the tears and the fears begin to multiply,  
Taking time in a simple place in my cell where my head rests on the cell floor,  
And it's said that a war's lead but I forget that I let another day go by,  
I wanna be afraid but it seems that these days I'm caught underwater,  
And I'm falling farther,  
My heats getting harder,  
I'm calling my father,  
Am I screaming to an empty sky?  
Empty sky no way that's me because one half of my heart is free,  
Empty sky no way that's me because he other half of my hearts asleep.’ 

Sirius smiled as he remembered the song. He had loved that song back in Hogwarts. Anathema. 

‘Do you remember that lovely song, James? Can you hear me?’

Twelfth Year •

‘Can you believe I've been in here longer than I ever knew you? It hurts to fucking think about it. I can't even change into my animagus anymore. I realised that back then, I had encouragement. I don't have that anymore, and that's why I can't transform. Can you hear me?’

Sirius asked the question one more time. He decided it was useless to ask after that, and would keep his mouth shut about that for the rest of his time in here. But then he heard a voice. A voice that brought happy tears to his eyes. 

"You can do it Sirius. I believe in you."

And that night, Sirius escaped.


End file.
